The Three Stages of Intimacy


There are 3 stages of relating, according to David Deida an international teacher and author, dependence, 50/50 or intimate communion. In his book Intimate Communion, he defines these stages according to the polarity differences between men and women and what most attracts

Dependent Relationship

In a Dependent Relationship, what you may notice is that the couple often represents the extremes of what is considered masculine and feminine. He may look very macho and or his energy will be very masculine in a more stereotypic way. She may depict the extreme of what is considered feminine in a woman. Some images that come to mind are where the man throws the woman on the bed and takes her almost forcefully and she surrenders to his dominance. Partners may confuse some version of a master/slave relationship with real love. She is the more passive of the two and often desires to feel vanquished. She might also desire to be seen as his property or his woman and her man.

“A Dependence Relationship involves partners who become dependent on each other for money, emotional support, parenting or sex. “
The sex in this type of relationship may be very good due to the extreme attraction between the two polarities and especially after a fight. Partners often end up feeling rather limited by the roles they are choosing to act out with each other and either the relationship continues with one or the other or even both parties needing to shift out of these roles. If they do they will want to learn to build personal boundaries and take care of themselves, rather than always catering to the needs of their partners.

50/50 Relationship

“Safe boundaries and equal expectations for men and women.”

In this type of relationship, the partners want to feel safe and independent. You might recognize this type as our “modern” version of a relationship, which is most popular. It is thought to be very healthy as two independent people coming together and working out an equitable relationship. Both parties will want to feel that everything is equal.
“On the surface, they might seem completely turned off and react as if any form of forceful and passionate sexual ravishment is an act of rape. Deep down, however, they might be wistfully turned on, reminded of the depth of sexual loving that may be missing from their safe but lukewarm love life.”
Both may have their own income and together they divide everything 50/50, from household chores, parenting, and financial obligations. However, as many have discovered, there is a potential problem with this ideal sounding relationship. They may even find that their relationship is more about being best friends, companions and that the polarity between them is not very strong. If the woman feels her feminine self less and the man his masculine self less then the natural charge between the two people will be less and less. Often what occurs after the passion and sexual aliveness diminishes is a feeling of incompleteness. The inner longing to be met and be touched deeply never occurs and so eventually one or both partners may become dissatisfied within the relationship and they may look outside the relationship for its fulfillment.

Intimate Communion

“I relax into oneness and spontaneously give my deepest gift.”

If you grow beyond the 50/50 Relationship, you are no longer cautious or afraid to give your love fully to your intimate partner. At times you may beg or desire to be ravished other times to be tender and sweet. Your intimate connection is filled with fire and sexual aliveness and the polarity between the two of you dances back and forth, as in a true tantric relationship. You consider your relationship an expression of your deepest love and are not afraid to go beyond your limits or to push your partner to his or her limits of that love. You actually are living a deeply fulfilling and intimate communion and a true sacred relationship.
“Most important, in the practice of Intimate Communion we learn that love is something you do, not something you “fall into” or “out of”. Love is something you practice, like playing tennis or the violin, not something you happen to feel or not.”
David Deida states that“ in this type of relationship you learn to practice loving even when you feel hurt, rejected or resistant. First, you practice love, and then your native sexual essence blooms, naturally, inevitably, because you are learning to give from your core, which includes the root of your sexuality.”

I invite you to discover what form of relationship you are most attracted to and to learn more about these stages of a relationship in David’s basic book, Intimate Communion.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

What Makes a Woman Alluring and the Power of the New Feminine Mystique

Image
I love the word 'allure'. The word itself captivates one and I find it holds the energy of its meaning. To be alluring is 1) to temp or entice; 2) the power of attraction, 3) to beguile. It could also mean that one has charisma or even the power to seduce or be seductive. When one is 'alluring' the allured is under a “spell” or so it may seem. Don’t you just love knowing that if you are a woman you have the power to beguile? In fact that is where it all began in the mythical Garden of Eden when the Snake (symbol for sexuality) beguiled Eve to eat the apple of knowledge. The question I wish to explore here is if this is the old definition of what it means to be alluring then what could the new definition be? This is an important question for women to answer, for ever since the ‘fall’ we women have been trying to apologize for being a woman. I believe that the time has come to reshape, reconfigure and redefine what it means to be a woman who has allure or what I c...
Read more

What is Feminine Allure and the New Feminine Mystique

Image
I love the word 'allure'. The word itself captivates one and I find it holds the energy of its meaning. To be alluring is 1) to tempt or entice; 2) the power of attraction, 3) to beguile. It could also mean that you  have charisma or even the power to seduce or be seductive. When one is 'alluring' the one who is being allured is under a “spell” or so it may seem. Don’t you just love knowing that if you are a woman you have the power to beguile? In fact, that is where it all began in the mythical Garden of Eden when the Snake (symbol for sexuality) beguiled Eve to eat the tree of knowledge. The question I wish to explore here is if this is the old definition of what it means to be alluring then what could the new definition be? This is an important question for women to answer, for ever since the ‘fall’ we women have been trying to apologize for being a woman. I believe that the time has come to reshape, reconfigure and redefine what it means to b...
Read more

The Power of Your Sexual Allure

Image
  I love the word 'allure'. The word itself captivates one and  holds the energy of its meaning. To be alluring is 1) to temp or entice; 2) the power of attraction, 3) to beguile. It could also mean that one has charisma or even the power to seduce or be seductive. When one is 'alluring' the allured is under a “spell” or so it may seem. Don’t you just love knowing that if you are a woman you have the power to beguile? In fact, that is where it all began in the mythical Garden of Eden when the Snake (symbol for sexuality) beguiled Eve to eat the apple of knowledge. The question I wish to explore here is if this is the old definition of what it means to be alluring then what could the new definition be? For centuries, we've been told that our ability to captivate men somehow contributed to the downfall of mankind. Our natural sensuality was labeled as too potent and alluring for men to handle. Consequently, the term 'allure' took on a negative connotation, cau...
Read more